I fail. And I suck.
And don’t confuse this with the type of failing and sucking – or my admitting of it – that’s meant to bounce right back into some form of virtue, the way a startup’s CEO might quip about on her blog as a price paid for achieving success.
I mean I really suck. At everything. Relationships, money, friendships, addictions, you name it. I’ve sucked at it. And I still do – deep in the vortex of it all – everyday – at the intersection of the whims of this fickle universe and my actions in it. And I will continue to suck well and proper into the last of my years with all the fervor of lame-osity that will embarrass myself and all the people I care about.
And then there’s times I’m brilliant. The times I win. But those don’t nullify or denigrate the suck. Neither does the suck nullify and denigrate the brilliant. Both happen. And neither extreme of the pendulum nullify the other, as much as we’d like it to.
I’m tired of reading blogs where everything is turdned into a lesson, a virtue, or a thinly veiled exhibition of blatant narcissism masquerading itself as enlightenment.
Suck happens. Hard.
And I do it everyday.
No life lesson here.
I have plenty of days like this. Unfortunately, you’re the only one who can get yourself out of the rut. Try harder until you don’t feel like you suck 75% of the time. Even Meryl Streep said she’s always afraid that some day people will find out she’s a fraud. Though I do think we alone are responsible for making sure we don’t always suck, I also think that even the least of the sucky, have moments where they feel like they suck. I bet you that pretty soon you don’t feel like you suck. I’d suggest just lasar focusing on one of these aspects that you feel you suck in and try to make it a little less sucky by about 10%. If you’re improving, you don’t suck. Hey, today I found this post via Joel Runyon. You got retweeted by him. Celebrate that. That’s really cool.
Hey Katelyn, thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I don’t actually feel down, though thanks for trying to cheer me up. I’m just admitting that I suck (at times). Not even trying to reframe it into anything positive, just making an observation and admitting suck happens without trying to sugarcoat it into its opposite – which seems to be an almost inescapable construct these days with all the focus on always being awesome (an unattainable extreme that begets dysfunctional living, in my opinion).
So this is interesting. Most of my adult life, I’d categorized myself as mostly “not fine” and “needing something/somebody”. Emo, if you will. Always searching for a girl/belief/guru to make me whole.
Then something weird happened toward the end of last year. I started being okay. Like, out of the blue, I just started being okay. I could try to pinpoint it to a source – I spent a month in Florida soul-searching (mostly by drinking), then I attended/hated Landmark Forum, then I spent several months just partying, then blah blah blah.
Then sometime in December or January, “not-okay” part of me just disappeared. I don’t know why. I didn’t try to be a better friend, son, lover, employee, or artist. I didn’t take any unusually large risks, and I haven’t attempted to curtail any of my bad habits.
I don’t even feel “happier” exactly. I’m still frequently grumpy and restless and reclusive. But beneath all the surface turmoil, I’m fine. Hard to describe but unmistakably different than ever before in my life.
How am I doing? Great! And I don’t care why.
Hey Max, just found your site via Cody McKibben as I’m a recent entrant into his DNA program. Was reading one of his posts about overcoming fear and there was a link to your site. Cool site btw!
I like that you didn’t sugarcoat this post or try to draw lessons from things you flat blew up. Undoubtedly you drew something from them, i.e. the Edison failed-my-way-to-success kind’ve trip but I’m also sure, like myself, that I’ve just out and out destroyed things with very little redeeming lesson:) I like that you’re focusing on the fact that at some point, no matter where you are on the scale of pursuing the life you want, you’re just going to suck sometimes.
Hey David – thanks for the kind words & for reading the site. Cheers!
hey…nice post..nice words..and thank god..there are people out there like me…i think i suck all the time